Hospital Hanger-on Gifts

"Okay, I've got lousy bedside manner, but I draw a smiley faces on all your prescriptions."

Newspaper reads: 'Doctors not giving adequate info to patients'. Doctor asking patient, "Say eh??"

"Good?"

"No response doctor! The patient is sedated!"

"I might be a one armed podiatrist... but if you lend me a hand... I'll fix your foot."

'I can't turn it off.'

'Congratulations, its a six pound biker.'

Patients with HMO dread anesthesia.

'You're free to get a second opinion, but it looks like something's wrong with that green thingie by your liver.'

"I'm Dr. Fenton. I'll be performing your microsurgery today."

Bob's Heart Valves 'N' Stuff (store is open)

'My patients are picking up so much medical knowledge through the media that I feel more like their consultant than their doctor.'

"We must be in the wrong wing."

'Where did you say the new anaesthetist trained?'

"I'm sending you to someone who's less squeamish."

'The Doctor just finished his rounds. I better go soothe the patient's psyches.'

Doctor with 'Out patient' clip board being sped up by 'Competition', 'Technology' and 'DRG's'

"He did it again. Slipped out and replaced himself with a bunch of lumpy pillows."

'Well, seeing as how you're my wife and all, I'll try to fit you in next Thursday at 3:15.'

'I'll have to reschedule your appointment -- the doctor had an attack of squeamishness.'

"Is she critical?"

'Young man, haven't you ever heard of the hippocratic oath?'

Medical mishap.

"Have you considered spinal fusion?"

Alexander Borodin.

"It wouldn't kill you to pay your bill."

Injured man sees that he is being taken to the 'No Biggie Room', as opposed to the 'Emergency Room.

When I said to show me where it hurts.. it's ok to just point.

'When I asked if she was critical I didn't mean verbally!'

'You need an ectomy. Hop up here and we'll see what kind.'

"Today, you have Teresa Smith on 3E, Tim Jones on 4N and Hilda Beauregard on 2S... and I'll look in the on the rest."