Home Maintenance Gifts

Death on the Weekend

"These older homes are tricky. You never know what kind of pipes you'll find."

'How do you propose to repair the roof from down there?!'

"I can't find that much hair in a drain and not see stress issues."

Skimming out star reflections

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'You should have called me sooner.'

Sweeping under the carpet

"You're going to clean the gutters? Wait! Let me first see if the emergency room takes reservations!"

'I don't have time to explain. Just call the super and tell him the elevator's stuck.'

'Go ahead honey. Put your hands in the hands of the man who stills the waters.'

'It's $50 for fixing the sink, and $300 for babysitting your husband.'

'What do you mean, that'll be ?82 including V.A.T.? This is your house! '

'So what did the Plumber think of your suggestions dear...?'

"Lady, what's going on down there is an affront to the very idea of boilers."

'Oh brother, not another one! When are you middle-aged guys going to wise up and stop shoveling your driveways>'

"Good afternoon Sir. I was just passing and couldn't help wondering if you might be considering new double glazing?"

"I think the plumber wants his bill paid!"

"This is a fine time to remember you forgot to pay our homeowner's insurance!"

Elephants do forget.

'I have found $80,000 under the cushions.'

'The good news is it's not mice.'

'What was all that yelling outside?'

"I need one louder than the one my neighbor's got."

'Health on Wheels' checks the health of a house

"You should've called me sooner!"

"Just buy a new one. It's over 40 years old. That must be about 160 in toilet years."

Product Testing Department

"I fixed your leaky tap and the oven door... but there's nothing I can do with that dodgy seal on the fridge!"

"It's a bill from Santa Claus for knocking the snow off our roof and cleaning our chimney two nights ago."

Overkill: Pest Control.

House proud woman vacuums hair from dog.

'If you can hear a worm in the ground, you can hear me asking you to clean the garage.'

'Oh for crying out loud, so there's a spider in the bathtub!!'

'Ok, who didn't leave a faucet to drip so the pipes wouldn't freeze!'