Home Maintenance Specialist Gifts

The folly of calling in a theoretical plumber. . .

'Harold, when was the last time you cleaned the pool?!'

Yardless: Please help

"In the whole length and breadth of this world there is no more admirable a spot for a man and his dog to pass the time than the local Home Depot."

Man using to much bug spray

'Will you be long, fixing this leak? I'll have to put my Bert's dinner on in ten minutes.'

"See this area right here, honey? This is why we need to find someone who knows what they're doing."

Mulching Vacuum Cleaner

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

'I just finished the floors, so they better stay clean!'

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

"The trees are laughing at us."

"Twenty five years... I think it's time we renew our towels."

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

"So, who would you like me to call first, dear, the plumber or the exterminator?"

The household cavalry

"Sure, it's a break you can live with... but screw one more socket and you're toast!"

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."

Timber preservation

'Hello, Acme Termite Control...?'

'Don't you think it's time you did something about the draught in here?'

"I fixed your leaky tap and the oven door... but there's nothing I can do with that dodgy seal on the fridge!"

House proud woman vacuums hair from dog.

'I'd recommend the 9 tine.'

"From the wind, the chill and the snow, a god is born."

Mr. Briggs' Pleasures of Housekeeping, part 1

"Why do I feel like your mother is going to blame this on my cleaning?"

"Fine, you win. I'll call a handyman."

'Hanging around the house, Fred, just in case.'

"What already?! You're the one who told me I needed professional help."

"I just got a text message from our dehumidifier. It says it doesn't know how much more of this rain it can take."

"Let me call you back, Lori. I'm binge-watching John clean the gutters."