House Maintenance Guru Gifts

Dunmowin

'The meaning of communinication is the response we get'

'Harold, when was the last time you cleaned the pool?!'

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

Man using to much bug spray

Yardless: Please help

"In the whole length and breadth of this world there is no more admirable a spot for a man and his dog to pass the time than the local Home Depot."

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

Mulching Vacuum Cleaner

'You're using 14' nails on a 2' door? This is definitely a case where bigger is not better.'

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

'I just finished the floors, so they better stay clean!'

"Twenty five years... I think it's time we renew our towels."

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

"The trees are laughing at us."

Ernie likes to fix things around the house. Just today he's fixed two sandwiches, three sundaes, and some microwave brownies.

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

Moses unblocking the toilet.

The household cavalry

'She seems to think I only have one thing on my mind.'

"Sure, it's a break you can live with... but screw one more socket and you're toast!"

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."

Timber preservation

"It's a lot of work, but we've decided to renovate this old factory."

'I found out how to redecorate the easy way - just call the old wallpaper names and it will come down to slap you!'

"I fixed your leaky tap and the oven door... but there's nothing I can do with that dodgy seal on the fridge!"

'I think you want Phillips. Two doors down on the left.'

House for sale - some assembly required.

"From the wind, the chill and the snow, a god is born."

House proud woman vacuums hair from dog.

'I'd recommend the 9 tine.'

"I just got a text message from our dehumidifier. It says it doesn't know how much more of this rain it can take."

Mr. Briggs' Pleasures of Housekeeping, part 1