Home Maintenance Pillows

Death on the Weekend

"These older homes are tricky. You never know what kind of pipes you'll find."

'How do you propose to repair the roof from down there?!'

"I can't find that much hair in a drain and not see stress issues."

Skimming out star reflections

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

Sweeping under the carpet

"You're going to clean the gutters? Wait! Let me first see if the emergency room takes reservations!"

'I don't have time to explain. Just call the super and tell him the elevator's stuck.'

'It's $50 for fixing the sink, and $300 for babysitting your husband.'

"Lady, what's going on down there is an affront to the very idea of boilers."

'So what did the Plumber think of your suggestions dear...?'

'What do you mean, that'll be ?82 including V.A.T.? This is your house! '

"This is a fine time to remember you forgot to pay our homeowner's insurance!"

"Good afternoon Sir. I was just passing and couldn't help wondering if you might be considering new double glazing?"

"I think the plumber wants his bill paid!"

Product Testing Department

"You should've called me sooner!"

"It's a bill from Santa Claus for knocking the snow off our roof and cleaning our chimney two nights ago."

Elephants do forget.

"I fixed your leaky tap and the oven door... but there's nothing I can do with that dodgy seal on the fridge!"

'I have found $80,000 under the cushions.'

"I need one louder than the one my neighbor's got."

'What was all that yelling outside?'

"Just buy a new one. It's over 40 years old. That must be about 160 in toilet years."

'The good news is it's not mice.'

'Health on Wheels' checks the health of a house

Professional cyclist comes home to do chores.

'Dinner will be ready in an hour -- Why don't you relax by mowing the lawn?'

'Why do you never change these things out when they're empty? They're not an infinite scroll.'

The household cavalry

"Try standing on the top step."

"Oh no you don't. You're not walking on my newly polished floor."

"That's just my husband taking a shower. We have very hard water."

'Can't you escape or something - The grass needs cutting?'