Dealing With Home Maintenance Gifts

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

'Harold, when was the last time you cleaned the pool?!'

'The plumber said he can't come right now, but promised to put us on his 'wading list'. Cute, huh?'

Yardless: Please help

"In the whole length and breadth of this world there is no more admirable a spot for a man and his dog to pass the time than the local Home Depot."

Man using to much bug spray

"See this area right here, honey? This is why we need to find someone who knows what they're doing."

Mulching Vacuum Cleaner

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

'I just finished the floors, so they better stay clean!'

"The trees are laughing at us."

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

"Twenty five years... I think it's time we renew our towels."

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

The household cavalry

"Sure, it's a break you can live with... but screw one more socket and you're toast!"

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."

"Dang, there goes another piece of the wife's good china. You see father, it's

Timber preservation

"I fixed your leaky tap and the oven door... but there's nothing I can do with that dodgy seal on the fridge!"

"From the wind, the chill and the snow, a god is born."

'I'd recommend the 9 tine.'

House proud woman vacuums hair from dog.

"What already?! You're the one who told me I needed professional help."

'Hanging around the house, Fred, just in case.'

"I just got a text message from our dehumidifier. It says it doesn't know how much more of this rain it can take."

Mr. Briggs' Pleasures of Housekeeping, part 1

"Fine, you win. I'll call a handyman."

"Let me call you back, Lori. I'm binge-watching John clean the gutters."

"Why do I feel like your mother is going to blame this on my cleaning?"

Product Testing Department

"The mold cleaners are here! I gotta scram."