Dealing With Home Maintenance Gifts

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

'The meaning of communinication is the response we get'

'Harold, when was the last time you cleaned the pool?!'

'The plumber said he can't come right now, but promised to put us on his 'wading list'. Cute, huh?'

Man using to much bug spray

Yardless: Please help

"In the whole length and breadth of this world there is no more admirable a spot for a man and his dog to pass the time than the local Home Depot."

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

Mulching Vacuum Cleaner

"See this area right here, honey? This is why we need to find someone who knows what they're doing."

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

'I just finished the floors, so they better stay clean!'

Ernie likes to fix things around the house. Just today he's fixed two sandwiches, three sundaes, and some microwave brownies.

"Twenty five years... I think it's time we renew our towels."

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

"The trees are laughing at us."

Moses unblocking the toilet.

The household cavalry

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

Timber preservation

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."

"Sure, it's a break you can live with... but screw one more socket and you're toast!"

"Dang, there goes another piece of the wife's good china. You see father, it's

"I fixed your leaky tap and the oven door... but there's nothing I can do with that dodgy seal on the fridge!"

House proud woman vacuums hair from dog.

'I'd recommend the 9 tine.'

"From the wind, the chill and the snow, a god is born."

"What already?! You're the one who told me I needed professional help."

'Hanging around the house, Fred, just in case.'

"I just got a text message from our dehumidifier. It says it doesn't know how much more of this rain it can take."

"Why do I feel like your mother is going to blame this on my cleaning?"

"Let me call you back, Lori. I'm binge-watching John clean the gutters."

"Fine, you win. I'll call a handyman."

Mr. Briggs' Pleasures of Housekeeping, part 1

Product Testing Department