Home-grown Hilarity Pillows

"I wanted to plant my own food, but I couldn't find bacon seeds!"

'You're one of my kids? Really? I'm so sorry, I have so many it's hard to remember them all...'

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

"Mom! Dad! Do something!"

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

"So tell me, Wallace. Has someone gobbled up my Viagra again?" "No. Wait. I thought they were delicious candy mints!"

Family Butcher.

'Shh, let me do the talking.'

'You're making a marble cake? Did you run out of eggs?'

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

Adult Absence Notes.

"Well, I thought I'd give fencing a try, but I sucked at it."

Dad... this 'Book' thingy - where do you plug it in?

"Good grief, Bradbury! How long have you been working at home?"

"One day you'll thank me for embarrassing you in front of the entire Internet."

"I didn't say he was housebroken. I said he broke up the house."

'Daddy-if we didn't have Mummy how would you know how to drive?'

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'Sweetheart, It's time you knew... Your father isn't a real wildlife biologist.'

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

"Well, if you've got 'nothing to wear' why am I constantly doing laundry?"

Dad said that if he's paying for the wedding, he's entitled to a little something.

'Macaroni and cheese, three nights in a row?... That's justifiable homicide in my book!'

'I don't like the look of yours...'

'What kind of bulbs did you put in here?'

"Dad, can you just ground me instead?"

'I told you, never utter that four letter work - 'walk!''

Guess what Daddy, Gerald plays hockey!