Home-grown Hilarity Gifts

"I wanted to plant my own food, but I couldn't find bacon seeds!"

'You're one of my kids? Really? I'm so sorry, I have so many it's hard to remember them all...'

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

"Mom! Dad! Do something!"

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

"So tell me, Wallace. Has someone gobbled up my Viagra again?" "No. Wait. I thought they were delicious candy mints!"

Family Butcher.

Great job on the color! Thanks. It looks totally natural. Hi, Twig! Hey. Success! She didn't notice. "Mom dyed her hair with Gatorade."

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

'Shh, let me do the talking.'

"Well, I thought I'd give fencing a try, but I sucked at it."

Adult Absence Notes.

'You're making a marble cake? Did you run out of eggs?'

'I put lint tape all over his onesie so that, as he crawls around, he picks up the dog hair.'

Dad... this 'Book' thingy - where do you plug it in?

"One day you'll thank me for embarrassing you in front of the entire Internet."

"Good grief, Bradbury! How long have you been working at home?"

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

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'Sweetheart, It's time you knew... Your father isn't a real wildlife biologist.'

"I didn't say he was housebroken. I said he broke up the house."

'Daddy-if we didn't have Mummy how would you know how to drive?'

Danny reminds his dad that he had forgotten to pay him for raking the yard.

'Dang! The water's expired.' (Spring Water).

"Well, if you've got 'nothing to wear' why am I constantly doing laundry?"

Dad said that if he's paying for the wedding, he's entitled to a little something.

'Macaroni and cheese, three nights in a row?... That's justifiable homicide in my book!'

'I don't like the look of yours...'

'What kind of bulbs did you put in here?'

'3 hamburgers, 2 servings of fries, 1 vanilla shake...'

'I told you, never utter that four letter work - 'walk!''