Homegrown Humorist Gifts

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

I'm prepared to admit that you may have startled me a bit, sure!

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"I wanted to plant my own food, but I couldn't find bacon seeds!"

"Do you think there's intellegent life in there?"

Cash Machines From Across the Land

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

I fart more than that!

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"How many times have I told you kids to hang your coats in the closet?"

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

Yard Sale

A Venus cow trap.

"Okay, you scared the babysitter...now get back in there and rinse off that toothpaste, and go to bed!"

"Sorry I'm late! The driving conditions are awful!"

'I have a limited vocabulary because I'm a child, what's your excuse?'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

"Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're our only hope."

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'