Home-cooked Hilarity Gifts

'Macaroni and cheese, three nights in a row?... That's justifiable homicide in my book!'

"I wanted to plant my own food, but I couldn't find bacon seeds!"

'Muriel's philosophy is that what happens in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.'

Why did Ernie take that off his wrist and put it here when he had to leave the kitchen? For safety reasons. A watched pot never boils. Ernie says you are what you eat. It's true in his case. Ernie is just like his food. He is sweet, and has some but not too much spice. Plus there's nothing artificial about him. Also like his food, Ernie is an acquired taste. And to me they have both become irresistibly delicious!

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

'Needs more kale.'

'We thank you for this food and ask you to protect us from pesticides, additives and preservatives.'

Dinner Cereal, Corn Flakes with Spaghetti Sauce.

'Home-made pie will be quick, I only live 10 minutes from here.'

'This mandarin chicken is delicious, Dad. It tastes like you bought it yourself.'

"How many times must I tell you, the floor is sloping?"

Intolerant Chef

Beth realized she wasn't such a great cook the night she tried to make an apple pie. 'Wow! Now that is good meatloaf!'

'Something in the fridge has gone off.'

'To cook is to dare!'

'Mom's a lousy cook.'

Your Dinner is in the Tin

Roger wouldn't prepare any meal without first consulting his pie chart.

'I thought it was my turn to cook, but I didn't make anything because I wanted you to take me out to eat.'

'I found a way to make dinner in half the time. I don't finish it.'

'Sorry, dear, but upon advice from my attorney, I decline to give you an opinion on your Creamed Tarragon Flounder.'

Ties and Jackets Required.

'Frozen dinners have more calories if you heat them up.'

"Yes sir, this is half a steak. The guest who had it yesterday wasn't very hungry."

"And remember, no tormenting the cat while I'm at work!"

"I can hear the smoke alarm.Is dinner ready?"

With Gwen away for the weekend, Dave makes the kids his famous Gummy Worms and Hershey Bars casserole.

"Sure it tastes like homemade... your wife works here."

It's hard to when I'm always under pressure."

'Do you find the roast to have a faint 'woody' taste?' 'Could be, I couldn't find the carving knife so I used my band saw... cuts like butter.'

'Buns, rockcakes and paperweights.'

"Changed our mind about the salad, did we?"

"So the microwave's got a popcorn button, but the popcorn bag says don't use the popcorn button, and I'm like, Microwave people! Popcorn people! Get your act together!!"

'I'm not an experienced cook so I use the smoke alarm as my timer!'