Home Hilarity Enthusiast Gifts

"And remember, no tormenting the cat while I'm at work!"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

"And I suppose you forgot to bring home the milk."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

"The blow drier is broken."

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

'Maybe putting 'Sleep 20 Hours A Day' first on the list wasn't such a good idea.'

'I put lint tape all over his onesie so that, as he crawls around, he picks up the dog hair.'

"I told you not to leave without taking out the garbage!"

"I'll have to call you back. The cat looks really pleased with himself, and I gotta find out why."

'Harold, I told you not to eat the last piece of pie!'

'Certainly you may come in for a drink. You live here.'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

Carpet Cows

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

"Good grief, Bradbury! How long have you been working at home?"

'You may be the CEO of a large corporation, but at home you're an OMW, observe my whims!'

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

Hi love...one less for tea tonight

"I’ve changed my mind. I no longer want to conquer the world. I just want to conquer those two..."

"Please don't go!"

VARIOUS ITEMS OF LABELLED KITCHENWARE.

Need something from the fridge? This looks like a job for...Indoorman!

"I can't sleep... it's too warm in here."

'Dang! The water's expired.' (Spring Water).