Home Hilarity Enthusiast Pillows

"And remember, no tormenting the cat while I'm at work!"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

"The blow drier is broken."

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

'Maybe putting 'Sleep 20 Hours A Day' first on the list wasn't such a good idea.'

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

'Certainly you may come in for a drink. You live here.'

'Harold, I told you not to eat the last piece of pie!'

"I'll have to call you back. The cat looks really pleased with himself, and I gotta find out why."

Carpet Cows

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

"Good grief, Bradbury! How long have you been working at home?"

"I’ve changed my mind. I no longer want to conquer the world. I just want to conquer those two..."

Need something from the fridge? This looks like a job for...Indoorman!

"Please don't go!"

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

VARIOUS ITEMS OF LABELLED KITCHENWARE.

Hi love...one less for tea tonight

"I can't sleep... it's too warm in here."

'You may be the CEO of a large corporation, but at home you're an OMW, observe my whims!'

"You rang?"