Home Humor Lovers Pillows

'You're blocking up the electricity!'

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

"Mulch madness"

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

"And I suppose you forgot to bring home the milk."

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'

"So kids, you got work from your teachers right?"

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

"The blow drier is broken."

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

'How many times do I have to tell you about putting the toilet seat back up?'

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

Search for Missing Socks

'Maybe putting 'Sleep 20 Hours A Day' first on the list wasn't such a good idea.'

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

'I put lint tape all over his onesie so that, as he crawls around, he picks up the dog hair.'

'Certainly you may come in for a drink. You live here.'

'Harold, I told you not to eat the last piece of pie!'

Carpet Cows

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

"I told you not to leave without taking out the garbage!"

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

"Good grief, Bradbury! How long have you been working at home?"

'George, I can't sleep with a window shade flapping! Get up and fix it!'

"Can I turn off the game and set the table? Ha, ha! Oh, honey, you are hilarious!"

Hi love...one less for tea tonight

"I’ve changed my mind. I no longer want to conquer the world. I just want to conquer those two..."