Home Humor Enthusiast Pillows

You are ironing my shorts with a rotary saw

Cross-stitched land survey.

"Did you call someone to come test for margarine residue in the refrigerator?"

Woman sweeping dust under a man's hairpiece.

"I meant with weed killer!"

"Is the air conditioner too cold for you, dear?"

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

"And I suppose you forgot to bring home the milk."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

"The blow drier is broken."

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

Search for Missing Socks

'Maybe putting 'Sleep 20 Hours A Day' first on the list wasn't such a good idea.'

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

Carpet Cows

'Harold, I told you not to eat the last piece of pie!'

'I put lint tape all over his onesie so that, as he crawls around, he picks up the dog hair.'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

"I told you not to leave without taking out the garbage!"

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

'Certainly you may come in for a drink. You live here.'

"Good grief, Bradbury! How long have you been working at home?"

"I’ve changed my mind. I no longer want to conquer the world. I just want to conquer those two..."

'You may be the CEO of a large corporation, but at home you're an OMW, observe my whims!'

Need something from the fridge? This looks like a job for...Indoorman!

"Please don't go!"

"I can't sleep... it's too warm in here."