Household Humor Pillows

"Maybe Dracula wasn't the best one to try this new detergent."

"...P.S. Stay off the furniture!"

People intimidated by a little mouse.

"Do you realise that you've brought our feather duster for a walk?"

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"Can I borrow the car keys?"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

'You're one of my kids? Really? I'm so sorry, I have so many it's hard to remember them all...'

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

"Mom! Dad! Do something!"

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"So tell me, Wallace. Has someone gobbled up my Viagra again?" "No. Wait. I thought they were delicious candy mints!"

"I must come to the supermarket with you sometime dear, they seem to sell everything!"

Baby cries into a cellphone.

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

'I'm really thirsty.'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

Adult Absence Notes.

"Nice try Kevin, but you've put all your laundry into the dishwasher!"

'You're making a marble cake? Did you run out of eggs?'

'Shh, let me do the talking.'

Dad... this 'Book' thingy - where do you plug it in?

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

"One day you'll thank me for embarrassing you in front of the entire Internet."

'Baby's got his first blue tooth!'

"Mom said I can't watch TV until you finish my homework."

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

'Sweetheart, It's time you knew... Your father isn't a real wildlife biologist.'