Household Humor Pillows

"Maybe Dracula wasn't the best one to try this new detergent."

Worst sinkhole I've ever seen.

"...P.S. Stay off the furniture!"

People intimidated by a little mouse.

"Do you realise that you've brought our feather duster for a walk?"

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"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'You're one of my kids? Really? I'm so sorry, I have so many it's hard to remember them all...'

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

"Mom! Dad! Do something!"

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

Baby cries into a cellphone.

"So tell me, Wallace. Has someone gobbled up my Viagra again?" "No. Wait. I thought they were delicious candy mints!"

Great job on the color! Thanks. It looks totally natural. Hi, Twig! Hey. Success! She didn't notice. "Mom dyed her hair with Gatorade."

"I must come to the supermarket with you sometime dear, they seem to sell everything!"

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

Adult Absence Notes.

'I'm really thirsty.'

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

'Shh, let me do the talking.'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

"Nice try Kevin, but you've put all your laundry into the dishwasher!"

'You're making a marble cake? Did you run out of eggs?'

Dad... this 'Book' thingy - where do you plug it in?

"One day you'll thank me for embarrassing you in front of the entire Internet."

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'