Household Hilarity Pillows

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

'You're one of my kids? Really? I'm so sorry, I have so many it's hard to remember them all...'

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

"Mom! Dad! Do something!"

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'Who put Grandad's teeth in the aquarium?'

Great job on the color! Thanks. It looks totally natural. Hi, Twig! Hey. Success! She didn't notice. "Mom dyed her hair with Gatorade."

"So tell me, Wallace. Has someone gobbled up my Viagra again?" "No. Wait. I thought they were delicious candy mints!"

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

"I must come to the supermarket with you sometime dear, they seem to sell everything!"

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

'Shh, let me do the talking.'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

"Nice try Kevin, but you've put all your laundry into the dishwasher!"

Adult Absence Notes.

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

'You're making a marble cake? Did you run out of eggs?'

'I'm really thirsty.'

'Hey, I just mopped the yard.'

Dad... this 'Book' thingy - where do you plug it in?

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

"One day you'll thank me for embarrassing you in front of the entire Internet."

"Mom said I can't watch TV until you finish my homework."

"Iron Man! Thank heaven you’ve come!"

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

"I didn't say he was housebroken. I said he broke up the house."

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

'Daddy-if we didn't have Mummy how would you know how to drive?'

'Sweetheart, It's time you knew... Your father isn't a real wildlife biologist.'