Household Hilarity Pillows

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

'You're one of my kids? Really? I'm so sorry, I have so many it's hard to remember them all...'

"Your mother and I want to make your 21st birthday a moving experience. We'll help you pack."

'I'm about to have a tantrum. What are you doing?'

"Mom! Dad! Do something!"

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'Who put Grandad's teeth in the aquarium?'

"I must come to the supermarket with you sometime dear, they seem to sell everything!"

"But you said I should serve our guests the can of peas!"

"So tell me, Wallace. Has someone gobbled up my Viagra again?" "No. Wait. I thought they were delicious candy mints!"

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

Adult Absence Notes.

'Hey, I just mopped the yard.'

'You're making a marble cake? Did you run out of eggs?'

'Shh, let me do the talking.'

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

'I'm really thirsty.'

"Nice try Kevin, but you've put all your laundry into the dishwasher!"

Dad... this 'Book' thingy - where do you plug it in?

'The fire seems to be drawing well.'

"One day you'll thank me for embarrassing you in front of the entire Internet."

"Mom said I can't watch TV until you finish my homework."

"I didn't say he was housebroken. I said he broke up the house."

'Daddy-if we didn't have Mummy how would you know how to drive?'

'My wife used too much fabric softener.'

"Iron Man! Thank heaven you’ve come!"

'Be sure to bring home your divots so you can patch the bare spots in our lawn.'

"...I love the smell of an uncut lawn."

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'