Household Humor Fan Pillows

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'She malfunctioned yesterday and put a sock in the dishwasher.'

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

Suffering from Cooties?

"Were we expecting a baby?"

Dad Trophies

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

Rabies on board - a couple of rabid babies.

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

'Why is it taking so long to eat your soup?'

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"I knew we agreed that you could be a stay-at-home dad, but that's when we decide to have children."

"Good news. It wasn't a toxic chemical leak. It was an old pizza in your kid's room."

"And I suppose you forgot to bring home the milk."

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

'Yeah, bit how does the stork get into the maternity room?'

"I'll bet you're very proud of your handsome, well-behaved little sporks here."

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'I want you to bring me one.'

"The blow drier is broken."

"Young man, you go march your butt right back up those stairs and don't come down until you've made yourself look presentable!"

'Jimmie, run and tell your dad the tractor is flooded.'

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

There were a million things Alexander Hamilton hadn't done

'I'm going to bed...whatever...'

"But Mom, you said it was a pup tent!"

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

'Here's what she was reading - an articl called 'Parents can be fun'.'

'I take a cold shower every morning... right after my daughters have taken hot ones.'

'Our computer responds to voice commands, but our kids don't.'

'Maybe putting 'Sleep 20 Hours A Day' first on the list wasn't such a good idea.'

'Mom, was Dad your number one draft choice?'