Household Humor Fan Pillows

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'She malfunctioned yesterday and put a sock in the dishwasher.'

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

Suffering from Cooties?

Dad Trophies

"Were we expecting a baby?"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

Rabies on board - a couple of rabid babies.

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

'Why is it taking so long to eat your soup?'

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"Good news. It wasn't a toxic chemical leak. It was an old pizza in your kid's room."

"I knew we agreed that you could be a stay-at-home dad, but that's when we decide to have children."

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

'Yeah, bit how does the stork get into the maternity room?'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

There were a million things Alexander Hamilton hadn't done

"But Mom, you said it was a pup tent!"

'I want you to bring me one.'

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

"The blow drier is broken."

'Jimmie, run and tell your dad the tractor is flooded.'

"Young man, you go march your butt right back up those stairs and don't come down until you've made yourself look presentable!"

'I'm going to bed...whatever...'

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

'Here's what she was reading - an articl called 'Parents can be fun'.'

'I take a cold shower every morning... right after my daughters have taken hot ones.'

'Our computer responds to voice commands, but our kids don't.'

'Maybe putting 'Sleep 20 Hours A Day' first on the list wasn't such a good idea.'

'Certainly you may come in for a drink. You live here.'

'Harold, I told you not to eat the last piece of pie!'