Hoarding Satirist Gifts

"Constipated, what a *#*##**# joke!!"

"Sorry lad, ye can't be having' me pot o' toilet paper."

Pirates at the mall.

"I don't know...seems like budget cuts have gone pretty far this year."

"What would you suggest to fill the dark, empty spaces in my soul?"

Dear (some of) my fellow lefties. . . shut up and get the hell off my side.

"Enough with the garage sales, Harold."

"All my stuff is 'Rosebud'."

What if retail stores behaved like websites?

"If we get a bigger place, we'll just accumulate more giraffes."

"Did you hear? It turns out old power cords are really valuable! Good things Dad kept them!"

"Once you break through the plastic clamshell and blister packs, there won't be any packaging left!"

"Sorry, there's no toilet paper or hand sanitizer down here."

'You must know my kids...they spend like there's no tomorrow.'

'Steven! Those nuts are for guests! Stop hiding them!'

"Hi honey, do we need anything for the junk drawer?"

"I plan to retire when bank robbery becomes legal!"

"Buckle up. We're in the midst of an unprecedented breadcrumb recession."

"My father said I was too big for my britches!"

"I don't think you're getting the point of this exercise."

"He is so gross: He is a hoarder you see, and keeps all his old skins..."

"Honey, are you hoarding lawyers again?"

Whale Pattern Balding

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

Valentines for Real Estate

'If it's my food supply for the winter then its different from hoarding.'

"Well, you did say that you were just looking for something to get you started on the property ladder."

'Beats me why I took this place. No en-suite, no walk-in robe and no dining room!'

"So if I'm to understand you correctly, this 'engineered athletic footwear' with its 'extended torsion system' is also a sneaker?"

Estate agents lined up for sale during house-price slump.

"Oh, good! Lucille is sending me some stuff!"