Hoarder Humorist Gifts

"I don't think you're getting the point of this exercise."

"You know what I want for our twentieth anniversary? A Dumpster."

"Hi honey, do we need anything for the junk drawer?"

"Sorry lad, ye can't be having' me pot o' toilet paper."

"I say it's Kale, and I say it's spinaches shitfaced uncle."

"Sorry I locked us out of the ship but if waving this cloth we found makes you happy. . . I'll be happy to do it."

'Yes, they were using it to clean up the graffiti!'

'Being stuck on a desert island is one thing, but being struck on a desert island with a hoarder...'

"I don't know...seems like budget cuts have gone pretty far this year."

"You're looking a bit RUFF this morning."

"All my stuff is 'Rosebud'."

"Sorry, there's no toilet paper or hand sanitizer down here."

"My father said I was too big for my britches!"

'Steven! Those nuts are for guests! Stop hiding them!'

"Buckle up. We're in the midst of an unprecedented breadcrumb recession."

"I plan to retire when bank robbery becomes legal!"

'Plastic bags, dogs, dogs behind gates, strange smells, pigs, strange noises...heck! It would be quicker to tell you what doesn't spook me!'

"Mother, take your time, I know this isn’t easy for you. But this is an important moment in our lives, so I will ask you one more time, what on earth did you do with my old comic books?!"

"He is so gross: He is a hoarder you see, and keeps all his old skins..."

Valentines for Real Estate

"Well, you did say that you were just looking for something to get you started on the property ladder."

"Sometimes I just enjoy listening to some of my favorite old messages."

Bad News Headlines: War in Iraq...Largest Peace Time Deficit.

'Beats me why I took this place. No en-suite, no walk-in robe and no dining room!'

Of course it's filled with my old skins, it's my shed.

Computer announces to user: 'You now have more files than Al Capone had under his pillow in Alcatraz.'

"We do have a wonderful art collection, but it has taken over somewhat: We either need to have a bower or get professional help..."

'I drank too much last night.'

Estate agents lined up for sale during house-price slump.

"I'll carry you over a regular threshold, darling, as soon as the housing market improves."

Landlord holding back a tennant from his money: 'It's all part of the service!'

'...There's been a 20% rise in the length of time our house been on the market'

BOOZE & SNOOZE: 'It's a bed and breakfast with a liquor license.'

'I see this one is detached. Yes, the ones on either side fell down.'