Happy Geriatric Gifts

"I enjoy being old - my health always gives me something to talk about!"

"I never thought turning eighty would be so much fun!"

'I'm just not as ambidextrous as I used to be.'

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

"Soon you'll be sucking your thumb AND tying your shoes...they call it multitasking."

A new you. 'First, you've got to stop lying about you age.' It didn't start off well.

Handle With Care

"My service animal for Alzheimer's, sonny!"

Signs of Aging: Light headedness, shortening, waxy skin, burn out and hot flashes.

An old man exercising with hourglasses

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

(Scheduled) Sex, (Prescription) Drugs & (Classic) Rock & Roll

"Enjoy yourself while you can because before you know it, you've surpassed your 'Best Used By' date."

"Bad news. Your use-by date was a month ago."

"At our age we should be moisturizing." "Honey, we started years ago... with our lips."

"Went with the hair plugs I see."

'I can't believe I'm pretending to be 55 already...'

"You're right, they are statins."

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, go to hell."

'We all shrink as we get older... You'll just have to be a little patient!'

'It makes you look fifty years younger.'

'I can't make you younger...odometer tampering is against the law.'

"Miriam keeps me young."

"Lost most of my sight, hearing, teeth and hair. Thank God I still god my driver license."

"Wasn't I lovely then eh, Tiddles?"

'You look quite distinguished with that gray hare on your head, Jim!'

'No Dear, the Tooth Fairy is long gone. I'm the Hot-Flash Fairy.'

The Girl With The Draggin' tattoo: 'Hot...Cold.'

'There is a fancy name for your condition...Let's just call it 86 and counting.'

'The brown one that smells like an old man.'

"Remember the days we could drink and party all night and we thought guys in their 50's were old geezers?"

Women

"Our house must be haunted. When I look in the mirror an old geezer-goat stands in front of me so I can't see myself."

'Ever think it's a whole new world for us old guys?'