Guru Teachings Gifts

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'He was just saying that all things come to him who waits and, sure enough, along came a lightning bolt.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'Hey! What's the big idea!?!'

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Kirsten Johnson

Guru.

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'I don't give advice. I'm only up here because it's safer.'

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

OM, SWEET OM

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

'It's normal -- Enlightenment freaks a lot of people out.'

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

"I'll match donations when you match my tax payments."

Bearded old man atop mountain.

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

"As for the meaning of life, it doesn't have to suck."

'I don't offer any free advice anymore. I am offering a self-help seminar and a motivational coaching program online.'

'Sometimes I think about getting away from all this and get a job as a cab driver in New York city...'

First you say I should "know thyself" and then you tell me to extinguish my ego!

"I thought I'd be lonely at the top."

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'

'I know it looks silly, but they say his prophecies have regained their old accuracy.'

'See what happens when meditation isn't supervised?'

Just think of meditation as "mental floss." (Published previously on 3/17/2006.)

The Guru is away to negotiate movie rights for his best-selling book, 'Money Won't Make You Happy'."

"I'm referring you to a specialist."