Guru Consults Gifts

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'Hey! What's the big idea!?!'

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Kirsten Johnson

Guru.

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

'It's normal -- Enlightenment freaks a lot of people out.'

OM, SWEET OM

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

"And this is my cousin Dave, who handles the conventional wisdom."

Bearded old man atop mountain.

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

"Sure, you can buy them another round, but is this really how you want to spend your MacArthur Grant?"

'See what happens when meditation isn't supervised?'

"I thought I'd be lonely at the top."

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'

'Sometimes I think about getting away from all this and get a job as a cab driver in New York city...'

The Guru is away to negotiate movie rights for his best-selling book, 'Money Won't Make You Happy'."

'To become ONE with the Universe, you must first become COMPLIANT with the Universe!'

Cable Bill.

'I'm still working on the mystery of how to make a decent living with a tip jar.'

"But Mom said to ask YOU!"