Guru Consults Gifts

If your question concerns your golf ball, the answer is yes, I know where it is.

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

At the 2021 Religious Games

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'Hey! What's the big idea!?!'

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Kirsten Johnson

Guru.

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

OM, SWEET OM

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

'It's normal -- Enlightenment freaks a lot of people out.'

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

"And this is my cousin Dave, who handles the conventional wisdom."

Bearded old man atop mountain.

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

"As for the meaning of life, it doesn't have to suck."

The Guru is away to negotiate movie rights for his best-selling book, 'Money Won't Make You Happy'."

"I thought I'd be lonely at the top."

'Sometimes I think about getting away from all this and get a job as a cab driver in New York city...'

'See what happens when meditation isn't supervised?'

Just think of meditation as "mental floss." (Published previously on 3/17/2006.)

"Sure, you can buy them another round, but is this really how you want to spend your MacArthur Grant?"

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'

'To become ONE with the Universe, you must first become COMPLIANT with the Universe!'

'I'm still working on the mystery of how to make a decent living with a tip jar.'

Cable Bill.