Geriatric Guru Gifts

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

Self help acupuncture

"All I do is swim and eat plankton, but do I lose weight?"

"I spend my day prepping for a good night"

You only have time for one: Choose your fighter - Exercise, Wash Your Hair, Eat, Breathe

'No, honestly, it's just diet and exercise.'

"We're just going to have to face the fact that you're not a puppy anymore!"

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

'My electric car is giving me static!'

'Twenty years ago I began jogging five miles a day - could you tell me where I am?'

'Can we afford you to save us money by repairing the car yourself...?'

"Would you please step into the garage? Your car and I need to have a word with you."

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

"I'd like to start the 'Wellness at Work' training by offering you some guidance on diet and exercise."

It's only firing on 87 cylinders!

"Here...let me call an expert...someone who knows about these things."

'You may not feel any healthier right away, but you'll definitely feel more smug.'

'They took my Science Fair Award away. They said I ate too much fish, which is brainfood. So, it was like I was on mental steroids.'

National Academy of Sport

Kirsten Johnson

'I gotta lose some weight.'

Inflating Boobs.

Keep Fit.

"Honestly, John, I'm not angry! I was going to suggest you give up driving even before you hit my car in the parking lot!"

Congratulations on the new you!

Tired executive going into gym coming out gleaming

'When I turned 18 something started happening to me every month. I started receiving a credit card bill.'

Organic Soldering.

"Eat your vegetarian or you'll go extinct!"

"You're sick of this? Just try to imagine how we feel."

"I've narrowed the problem down to somewhere under this big flap I discovered."