Aging Gracefully Guru Gifts

"I recommend using your third wish to prevent joint pain in later years."

'You've a slipped disc in your back and a slipped everything in your front.'

Ballons Holding Up Breasts.

'There were mitigating circumstances...it was the first time anyone called me 'elderly', I was in a stupor.'

'It wouldn't be so bad if they were pert and perky.'

Balding man at the hairdresser's

'Are you sure you still love me even though I'm old, and everything just hangs now?'

'I feel just like a newborn baby. . . Yes, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Hair loss comb.

Clair regretted having her husband sit in while her doctor described possible side effects of menopause.

"That was my son. Seventy-one years old and still sharp as a tack."

"They tell us to walk when we're kids and want to run, but to run when you're old and want to walk!"

"The only thing I notice thinning is my hair."

"Jackson, you've turned into sour vinegar and have to go!"

"We're just going to have to face the fact that you're not a puppy anymore!"

"I can't remember where we're going."

"Mirror, mirror on the wall. . . Oh, never mind. Who am I kidding?!"

'I plucked my gray hair.'

'Ecce homo!'

'Grover, I believe you've reached your expiration date.'

"Cowabunga! Guess whose arthritis just kicked in? Advanced age, mutant ninja turtles"

"We're getting more vulgar with age, something I had not foreseen."

"There comes a point in a man's life when he just has to stop and say, 'O.K., I have hair on my back.'"

"Dad, when did you realize you weren't, you know, exactly studly anymore?"

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

"Your contents have shifted."

"Awww man. My nuts are so old they're wrinkled." "Tell me about it."

"I never thought turning eighty would be so much fun!"

'I'm just not as ambidextrous as I used to be.'

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

A new you. 'First, you've got to stop lying about you age.' It didn't start off well.

Treat Dispensers for the Middle-Aged

"I really have to exercise more. I went from yelling 'Fore' in my 20's, to yelling 'Wow' in my 30's, to yelling 'Ow' in my 50's."

"I can't stay in this hospital bed too long. Everyone will think I'm too old...too fragile...ready for the home. I'm not ready for that!"

(Scheduled) Sex, (Prescription) Drugs & (Classic) Rock & Roll