Guru Disciple Gifts

'Have you emptied your mind completely, my son?', 'Does thinking about Paris Hilton count?'

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

'He was just saying that all things come to him who waits and, sure enough, along came a lightning bolt.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Guru.

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'I don't give advice. I'm only up here because it's safer.'

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

'It's normal -- Enlightenment freaks a lot of people out.'

OM, SWEET OM

'Now, until you've attained perfect wisdom, you'll have to learn to evade questions.'

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

Bearded old man atop mountain.

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

'I don't offer any free advice anymore. I am offering a self-help seminar and a motivational coaching program online.'

"As for the meaning of life, it doesn't have to suck."

"I'm referring you to a specialist."

"I thought I'd be lonely at the top."

The Guru is away to negotiate movie rights for his best-selling book, 'Money Won't Make You Happy'."

'I know it looks silly, but they say his prophecies have regained their old accuracy.'

'Sometimes I think about getting away from all this and get a job as a cab driver in New York city...'

'See what happens when meditation isn't supervised?'

Just think of meditation as "mental floss." (Published previously on 3/17/2006.)

First you say I should "know thyself" and then you tell me to extinguish my ego!

"Things will get bad... then there will be an election... then things will get worse."

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'