Guru Disciple Gifts

'Have you emptied your mind completely, my son?', 'Does thinking about Paris Hilton count?'

'He was just saying that all things come to him who waits and, sure enough, along came a lightning bolt.'

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Guru.

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

'I don't give advice. I'm only up here because it's safer.'

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

'Now, until you've attained perfect wisdom, you'll have to learn to evade questions.'

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

OM, SWEET OM

'It's normal -- Enlightenment freaks a lot of people out.'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

Bearded old man atop mountain.

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

'I don't offer any free advice anymore. I am offering a self-help seminar and a motivational coaching program online.'

"I thought I'd be lonely at the top."

"I'm referring you to a specialist."

'See what happens when meditation isn't supervised?'

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'

'I know it looks silly, but they say his prophecies have regained their old accuracy.'

'Sometimes I think about getting away from all this and get a job as a cab driver in New York city...'

The Guru is away to negotiate movie rights for his best-selling book, 'Money Won't Make You Happy'."

"Things will get bad... then there will be an election... then things will get worse."

'To become ONE with the Universe, you must first become COMPLIANT with the Universe!'