Guru Seeker Gifts

'I don't wanna know the meaning to life. I wanna know if the fish are biting and where.'

"Sorry - just getting back from a guru retreat."

Next Wise Man Please.

The guru is on a book-signing tour. Back in 3 months.

"Things will get bad... then there will be an election... then things will get worse."

"I'm not really a guru. I just came up here to get away from my student loan debt."

"I didn't spend seventeen days climbing this bloody mountain, in all weathers, for a lecture on personal hygiene!"

Yoga Guru

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

'Hey! Contemplate your own navel!'

At the 2021 Religious Games

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

'The secret to life, my friend, is hoppiness!'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Guru.

'I don't give advice. I'm only up here because it's safer.'

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

'It's normal -- Enlightenment freaks a lot of people out.'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

OM, SWEET OM

Bearded old man atop mountain.

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

'I don't offer any free advice anymore. I am offering a self-help seminar and a motivational coaching program online.'

"I thought I'd be lonely at the top."

'See what happens when meditation isn't supervised?'

"I'm referring you to a specialist."

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'

'I know it looks silly, but they say his prophecies have regained their old accuracy.'