Job Seeker Guru Gifts

"Your MBA and PHD are impressive but what concerns me is your low number of Facebook friends."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"He might not have got the job with Google, but they weren't going to stop Brian skateboarding to the office."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

How are you at decision making?

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

Do you have any other skills?

In and Out Sourced.

"I don't like your application."

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

"I'd like to TikTok your offer and get comments before saying yes or no."

Between Offices

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

'Someone important is bound to see my resume now!'

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

'Actually, there's no interview necessary. Just pull out the sword and the job's yours.'

'Now, remember...let me do the talking.'

"Can I multi-task? As a single mom I'm both the bread-winner and bread-baker!"

"Your CV will be sufficient, Mr. Cooper."

"Sorry, we don't hire people with a history of whistle blowing."

'I'll be honest with you. The pay isn't great.'

'I'll need more than I can spend.'