Job Hunting Guru Gifts

'You're on the shortlist. It's between you and the bloke who's going to get the job.'

Bees to Honey.

'You'll be starting out at the bottom.'

"I need a new lease on life."

'I have this fear of the real world...'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

Good Luck!

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

How are you at decision making?

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

'...we have every new employee spend time on our assembly line. Eight hours, no breaks.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

'Think of this as a window of opportunity.'

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS HERE!, ''Trustworthy, friendly, loyal, helpful, kind, courteous, brave, thrifty, obedient and cheerful' -- This is going to look GREAT on my resume!'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

'If we get out of this alive, I'm going to have a darn good look at your resume.'

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."