Job Hunting Guru Gifts

'You're on the shortlist. It's between you and the bloke who's going to get the job.'

Bees to Honey.

'You'll be starting out at the bottom.'

"I need a new lease on life."

'I have this fear of the real world...'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"He might not have got the job with Google, but they weren't going to stop Brian skateboarding to the office."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'Now then - I just wanted to see how you handle pressure, Mr. Boyle.'

Good Luck!

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

How are you at decision making?

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"Your MBA and PHD are impressive but what concerns me is your low number of Facebook friends."

'...we have every new employee spend time on our assembly line. Eight hours, no breaks.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'Think of this as a window of opportunity.'

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS HERE!, ''Trustworthy, friendly, loyal, helpful, kind, courteous, brave, thrifty, obedient and cheerful' -- This is going to look GREAT on my resume!'

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'If we get out of this alive, I'm going to have a darn good look at your resume.'