Guru Followers Gifts

'Well, we'll have to move into town, then - We can't afford a wheelchair ramp!'

'If your guru business is slow, do what I did. Get a professional website presence on the Internet. That's how you found me, right?'

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away. Disregard this baloney if you're asthmatic."

Questions for the wise one.

'Hey! Contemplate your own navel!'

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

'Let's start out with cliches and pithy slogans - and work our way up to wisdom ...OK?'

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Guru.

Tangled Earphones Support Group.

'I don't give advice. I'm only up here because it's safer.'

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

'Now, until you've attained perfect wisdom, you'll have to learn to evade questions.'

OM, SWEET OM

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

Bearded old man atop mountain.

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

'I don't offer any free advice anymore. I am offering a self-help seminar and a motivational coaching program online.'

"As for the meaning of life, it doesn't have to suck."

First you say I should "know thyself" and then you tell me to extinguish my ego!

'Sometimes I think about getting away from all this and get a job as a cab driver in New York city...'

"I'm referring you to a specialist."

'I know it looks silly, but they say his prophecies have regained their old accuracy.'

'See what happens when meditation isn't supervised?'

Just think of meditation as "mental floss." (Published previously on 3/17/2006.)