Guru Apprentice Gifts

School of Meditation. They put me in an accelerated class --- My mind is already empty!

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'Hey! Contemplate your own navel!'

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

"There are the arts, the sciences, agriculture, and commerce. Stick with commerce, if you know what's good for you."

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Guru.

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'She's still a novice yet.'

'I don't give advice. I'm only up here because it's safer.'

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

Great training inspires employees: 'I see myself doing you job before too long...'

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

'I've been told I have Rembrandt's golden glow.'

'When you invented vegetables, Sir, did you know that my mother would be able to fit them all into one garden?'

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

'It's normal -- Enlightenment freaks a lot of people out.'

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

OM, SWEET OM

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

Young Houdini

Bearded old man atop mountain.

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

'I don't offer any free advice anymore. I am offering a self-help seminar and a motivational coaching program online.'

"As for the meaning of life, it doesn't have to suck."

First you say I should "know thyself" and then you tell me to extinguish my ego!

Just think of meditation as "mental floss." (Published previously on 3/17/2006.)

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'

'I know it looks silly, but they say his prophecies have regained their old accuracy.'