Guru Apprentice Gifts

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

'Hey! Contemplate your own navel!'

At the 2021 Religious Games

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

"There are the arts, the sciences, agriculture, and commerce. Stick with commerce, if you know what's good for you."

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Guru.

'I don't give advice. I'm only up here because it's safer.'

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

'She's still a novice yet.'

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

Great training inspires employees: 'I see myself doing you job before too long...'

'I've been told I have Rembrandt's golden glow.'

'When you invented vegetables, Sir, did you know that my mother would be able to fit them all into one garden?'

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

'It's normal -- Enlightenment freaks a lot of people out.'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

OM, SWEET OM

Bearded old man atop mountain.

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

'I don't offer any free advice anymore. I am offering a self-help seminar and a motivational coaching program online.'

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'

"Things will get bad... then there will be an election... then things will get worse."

'I know it looks silly, but they say his prophecies have regained their old accuracy.'