Guru Gifts

"Go ask your mother."

'To become ONE with the Universe, you must first become COMPLIANT with the Universe!'

"...'heighted awareness' is on the next hill"

Bearded old man atop mountain.

'Yes, I can tell you the meaning of life, but then I would have to kill you.'

'The road to Nirvana: 'Am I there yet? Huh? Am I? Huh? Am I there yet? Huh?'

'Really? -- the hokey-pokey IS what it's all about?'

"Tell me the truth—have I ever made tea come out of your nose?"

"Dear Bad-Karma, to assist you at this busy time, I've drawn up a list of people you may have missed."

"Why do you need my advice, my son? You're on top of the world!"

'That's it? Listen to my mom?'

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

'Phew! What a day! I almost lost my aura of supreme tranquility.'

Cable Bill.

'What is the meaning of life?'

'Oh, he's pretty wise -- I clerked for him.'

'I'm still working on the mystery of how to make a decent living with a tip jar.'

'Becoming enlightened fifteen minutes before I did doesn't EITHER give you seniority!'

The Answer to Life.

'We're supposed to be ascetic up here - A snack bar would defeat the purpose.'

"You do the hokeypokey and you turn yourself around - that's what it's all about."

'Living up here is the best I can afford -- I'm still paying alimony from three past lives!'

"But if I become one with the Universe, won't I get BLAMED for everything?"

"As for the meaning of life, it doesn't have to suck."

'You're a competitor. If I knew the meaning of life I wouldn't tell you!'

"Everyone is different and everyone is the same."

'The meaning of life -- You CAN take a joke, can't you'

'I bet I can extinguish my ego before you extinguish YOUR ego!'

'Women? Don't ask me about women! -- Women are why I'm up here!'

Just think of meditation as "mental floss."

"Hello there, Mulligan's pillows for better posture, let me leave you a brochure."

"Forget it - I've tried it before, and cats can't be enlightened."

"Seriously?"

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"