Name Guru Gifts

I don't care if he was born on a record-breaking day, Dad, we're not naming him 'Nasdaq.'

'He was just saying that all things come to him who waits and, sure enough, along came a lightning bolt.'

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

You gotta hand it to the old man, he still knows how to motivate!

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Kirsten Johnson

Guru.

"Feel my claw of death!"

'That may be what the wine glossary says, but to me, terroir means a fantatic view.'

"Your appendix is fine. It's your glossary I'm worried about."

'Since we all have to believe in something, I thought, 'Why not money?''

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

'Now, until you've attained perfect wisdom, you'll have to learn to evade questions.'

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

"I'll match donations when you match my tax payments."

OM, SWEET OM

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

Bearded old man atop mountain.

Sport, Political, Religious and New Yorker Cartoonist Gurus.

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

"I make money, therefore I am."

"As for the meaning of life, it doesn't have to suck."

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'

'Just be patient. Greed always makes a come back.'

The Guru is away to negotiate movie rights for his best-selling book, 'Money Won't Make You Happy'."

Just think of meditation as "mental floss." (Published previously on 3/17/2006.)