Baby Name Guru Gifts

"Not yet ANOTHER flippin' Aaron? How about his biblical brother, Moses?"

'I remember when you used to look for answers using your astute powers of deduction.'

'But what is the universe for?'

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

'It's perfect, but can we see it in white?'

Guru.

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

Trying to describe the size of the Big Bang.

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

OM, SWEET OM

"I'll match donations when you match my tax payments."

'ADN'

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

'Astronomy I, Astronomy II, Astronomy III'

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

Health

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

Bearded old man atop mountain.

'If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it' actually a gene-modified flounder.'

"As for the meaning of life, it doesn't have to suck."

'See what happens when meditation isn't supervised?'

The Guru is away to negotiate movie rights for his best-selling book, 'Money Won't Make You Happy'."

'Sometimes I think about getting away from all this and get a job as a cab driver in New York city...'

Just think of meditation as "mental floss." (Published previously on 3/17/2006.)

Branding Consultant

'I want you stop referring to our grant as 'The Big Dipper.''

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'

"Maybe we should consider changing the name."