Golf Course Regular Gifts

'He's an experienced golfer! Experienced in sand traps, water hazards and slicing.'

The Disadvantage of Easier Golf Courses

Thanks for the order, JB. Now, how about another game for real?

'He's still rushing his backswing. ... Swat him on the nose with the rolled-up newspaper...'

"I'm here because when you miss this putt, you'll have a hear attack, and I want to be ready!"

"As a matter of fact, yes I do mind if you play through!"

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

Doctor pulling golf caddy sees patient pulling oxygen caddy.

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Rump roast?"

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"Waiter, there's a weapon of mass destruction in my soup!"

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

The Golfing Accident

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'The beef has been genetically modified to make it taste like a more expensive cut.'

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

I wish I'd had the review.

"We have; pulled pork, enticed chicken, persuaded lamb, bullied beef, cajoled Turkey..."

"I'll have the barbecued half-pounder, with all the ramifications."

'Men order. . . women shop.'

"And would you like flies with that?"

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

Prawn Cocktail Please

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'