Club Regular Gifts

"Some prop-forward he's turned out to be."

Noises from armpits.

'Steward, this fellow hasn't spoken for a week. Be a good chap and feel his pulse will you?'

'Same school, old boy, fancy a drink at the club?'

'I lied about my physique at the interview!!'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

Zombie standup

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

'No ice.'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"Rump roast?"

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

"Waiter, there's a weapon of mass destruction in my soup!"

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

I wish I'd had the review.

'The beef has been genetically modified to make it taste like a more expensive cut.'

"I need to increase my salary so I can increase my spending."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

"How about we settle your tab from the regular season?"

'Men order. . . women shop.'

"I know my drinking limits.The problem is that I can never reach them - I simply fall down."

"I'll have the barbecued half-pounder, with all the ramifications."

"And would you like flies with that?"

"We have; pulled pork, enticed chicken, persuaded lamb, bullied beef, cajoled Turkey..."

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'