Club Regular Gifts

"Some prop-forward he's turned out to be."

Noises from armpits.

'Steward, this fellow hasn't spoken for a week. Be a good chap and feel his pulse will you?'

'Same school, old boy, fancy a drink at the club?'

'I lied about my physique at the interview!!'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

Zombie standup

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

'No ice.'

"Rump roast?"

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Waiter, there's a weapon of mass destruction in my soup!"

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

"I know my drinking limits.The problem is that I can never reach them - I simply fall down."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'The beef has been genetically modified to make it taste like a more expensive cut.'

"We have; pulled pork, enticed chicken, persuaded lamb, bullied beef, cajoled Turkey..."

"I'll have the barbecued half-pounder, with all the ramifications."

'Men order. . . women shop.'

"And would you like flies with that?"

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

I wish I'd had the review.

"How about we settle your tab from the regular season?"

"I need to increase my salary so I can increase my spending."

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"I forget to drink."