Pub Regular Gifts

'Regular or not, sir, you can't claim this as your second home.'

'Look, if the brewery were using genetically modified hops in their beer, don't you think I'd be the first to know about it?'

"The only thing that still works well for me is hysteria."

"I forget to drink."

'At least they can't touch the village local' say two country gents. The pub now has a sign on the window saying 'This is now a smoke free pub, also no dogs or horsey types!'

Woman pointing at dog with white froth round his mouth - Rabies!! Relax, we're having a pint!

"Do you mind if I use yet another sports analogy?"

The Three Tuns

'I've found this lump on my testicle, would you like to have a look?'

'Your switching to Scotch? And after I've given you the best beers of my life!'

'The price of beer must have gone up again.'

Mans Best Friend and A Dog

'But we met in here yesterday.' - 'Sorry, but you were so drunk I've forgotten your name.'

'Friend, we have a bar code here.'

"Bloody hell! If I get another metered water bill like this, I'll have to start selling concentrated ale."

'Sorry, no credit, the only free spirit in here is my barmaid.'

"Ambitions... to receive the MBE for services to the brewing industry."

"You've had enough."

"Honey, I'll be right back – I forgot to stop at the bar on the way home."

"I love boxing. It's something you can do all your life."

"Gin before peanuts is an aperitif. After peanuts it's a digestif."

"So, … do you prefer possum or opossum?''

Bill and Irwins Last Visit To the logger's Bar

"I like this guy - he tells you what you want to hear, ad he tells it like it is."

Man asking landlord for drink through a closed pub door

"Just water for me, please."

"I've been bounced a few times, but never deposed."

'No more for me, thanks - I've already had a skinful.'

'I've had it too... 'RUN'!'

'God! This tastes like cats...'

Fish and Chips - "Could you please blow into this bag for me, Sir?"

'Well, how many pints do you weigh?'

'Cool, a lock in!'

Tavern: Perfect Attendance.

'He doesn't actually drink much. He spills most of it!'