Regular At The Bar Gifts

'My job is safe. This guy is a regular and he drinks to forget.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

'No ice.'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'The way I see it, sobriety is a preventable, condition.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"Rump roast?"

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

"Waiter, there's a weapon of mass destruction in my soup!"

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Space is curved and time is relative? Yeah, OK...I'm calling you a cab right now, buddy."

"I'll have the barbecued half-pounder, with all the ramifications."

I wish I'd had the review.

"We have; pulled pork, enticed chicken, persuaded lamb, bullied beef, cajoled Turkey..."

"I need to increase my salary so I can increase my spending."

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

"I know my drinking limits.The problem is that I can never reach them - I simply fall down."

'Men order. . . women shop.'

"How about we settle your tab from the regular season?"

"My wife left me. Then my hard drive died."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

"And would you like flies with that?"

'The beef has been genetically modified to make it taste like a more expensive cut.'

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"I forget to drink."