Swimming Club Regular Gifts

If swimming is such a good way to lose weight, how do you explain whales?

Zombie standup

Runner collapsing over the finishing line.

"How about we settle your tab from the regular season?"

'I think he's doing ok, the coach says he has the attention span of a goldfish.'

"Oh boy, that was a huge belly-flop..."

'They've made this 3D football really realistic, it even chucks coins at you.'

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

A man runs on the water from a shark.

"Blowing the whistle is perfect for a sports bar to let its patrons know that Happy Hour is over."

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

'Wow, swimming IS great exercise! The bathroom scale I put down here shows I'm 20 pounds lighter!'

I'll take this one here.

Freddy Starr died here.

Monet At Open Mic Night

'Nothing doing folks, except ? surprise, surprise ? here's another for you, Desert Island Bloke.'

'Yeh it's just that I haven't been able to swim on my front,since my boob job.'

Swim meet - sharks vs. humans

"Some prop-forward he's turned out to be."

'A pint of beer and a mop please, barman !'

"You gotta multiply dog years by seven, pal."

'He is our darts team captain,he always finishes on a double.'

Rip Taylor Tide

"Great. . . another cheesy joke."

"I rub my body with animal fat and swim around Manhattan."