Swimming Club Regular Gifts

If swimming is such a good way to lose weight, how do you explain whales?

Zombie standup

Runner collapsing over the finishing line.

"How about we settle your tab from the regular season?"

'I think he's doing ok, the coach says he has the attention span of a goldfish.'

If you hold the conch up to your ear, you can hear the ocean swearing at you.

"Oh boy, that was a huge belly-flop..."

'They've made this 3D football really realistic, it even chucks coins at you.'

I'm a paralegal, it's like a flying doctor, only it's about law.

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

A man runs on the water from a shark.

"Blowing the whistle is perfect for a sports bar to let its patrons know that Happy Hour is over."

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."

Bob Odenkirk

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

'Wow, swimming IS great exercise! The bathroom scale I put down here shows I'm 20 pounds lighter!'

I'll take this one here.

Freddy Starr died here.

Live soccer today.

Swim meet - sharks vs. humans

The Tortoise and the Herring. Triathlon. I always knew that I'd pass him after the swimming portion of the race.

'Yeh it's just that I haven't been able to swim on my front,since my boob job.'

Monet At Open Mic Night

'Nothing doing folks, except ? surprise, surprise ? here's another for you, Desert Island Bloke.'

"Some prop-forward he's turned out to be."

'No wonder you're backed up.The box says 'ear', not 'rear!'

'A pint of beer and a mop please, barman !'

"You gotta multiply dog years by seven, pal."

I'm warning you. My nosy parents are chaperoning. It'll be fine. Eco Club Dance. All they want to do is spy on me. You're safe. You think? Is that Twig? I forgot my night-vision goggles.

How do you take your eggs? Like I take my relationships with women: over. Breakfast Menu.

Yes, well, when you're grown up and king, your castle can have an indoor heated moat.

"Great. . . another cheesy joke."

"I rub my body with animal fat and swim around Manhattan."

A couple of polar bears enjoy their new swimming pool - a refurbished igloo . . .