Golden Years Guru Gifts

Bad times for retirees.

"When I came to the crossroads of my life, I found I was out of gas!"

70 is the new 40

"There's more to being a pensions adviser than just handling the figures..."

"You know you're old when you have to warm up just to take out the garbage."

'You're very remote tonight.'

"I look forward to growing dead with you."

"His hip isn't getting any better. I really should have him put to sleep."

Aging Support Group

Albert & Myra - The End Story

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

'Hey! What's the big idea!?!'

Handle With Care

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

"As it's your birthday, would you like to go in the Big Chair?"

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, go to hell."

Sculptor's chippings

Older lady to husband surrounded by dogs: 'Still getting feedback from your hearing aid?'

"Date of birth?" "1989." "In 1989 I couldn't make ice... still can't." "Good lord, she could be my daughter! I'm so #!@* old." "That's the year my wife left me. Now I have a cold and I'm depressed!"

"You idiot! I said, 'Buy more gold', not mold!!"

'They're encyclopedias, Timmy... They're an early form of Google.'

"Someday when you have children of your own, you’ll understand why I dress you like ‘an idiot.’"

"I'm so old I can't remember who's the smart one and who's the pretty one."

'Admit it, George-you're too old to chase after does.'

"Well, old girl, this is the third act. What, if anything, do we have up our sleeve?"

Life begins at 60

"It's the Silicon Valley foundation - they want to know if we'll match our grandson's $100 million donation."

"I'm gonna make him an offer he could refuse but won't because he's afraid of conflict."

"Dad, how does the outdoors work without batteries?"

"Dear, I'm at that age where things are finally starting to click for me!"

Pension Forecasts

"I think I'll be more relaxed once my secondary sex characteristics kick in."

"I told you they'd chuck us off the bus with those smelly egg butties."

"Agnes is so crushing on him."

The experienced coach, like a panther, patiently awaits the precise moment to mount his challenge...