Golden Age Guru Gifts

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

'He was just saying that all things come to him who waits and, sure enough, along came a lightning bolt.'

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

'Hey! What's the big idea!?!'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Guru.

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, go to hell."

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

Sculptor's chippings

OM, SWEET OM

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

Bearded old man atop mountain.

"You idiot! I said, 'Buy more gold', not mold!!"

'See what happens when meditation isn't supervised?'

"I thought I'd be lonely at the top."

"Date of birth?" "1989." "In 1989 I couldn't make ice... still can't." "Good lord, she could be my daughter! I'm so #!@* old." "That's the year my wife left me. Now I have a cold and I'm depressed!"

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'

"I look forward to growing dead with you."

'Sometimes I think about getting away from all this and get a job as a cab driver in New York city...'

The Guru is away to negotiate movie rights for his best-selling book, 'Money Won't Make You Happy'."

'To become ONE with the Universe, you must first become COMPLIANT with the Universe!'