Grandiose Guru Gifts

Sculptor's chippings

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

We are shaped by what we love! Especially pizza and doughnuts!

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'Hey! What's the big idea!?!'

'It's not surprising. The production department is in Spain, the warehouse is in Korea, the accounting division is in Bolivia, the board of directors is in Canada.'

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Guru.

Aging Support Group

"Feel my claw of death!"

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

"Lighten up! Your charts aren't that bad."

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

"Tia Carmen, if times are tough, how come you're giving money away?"

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

Complete Makeover

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

"I'll match donations when you match my tax payments."

OM, SWEET OM

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

A not-so-happy God, with the Humans, sticking an Eviction Notice to the Earth

'And so thanks to my dad's waistline I now understand the theory of our constantly expanding universe!'

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

Bearded old man atop mountain.

'Of course we're a global corporation. We have mail drops throughout the world.'

Dad Planet: 'Hey you KIDS! I thought i said no ORBITING in the house!'

"As for the meaning of life, it doesn't have to suck."

You have a lot of patients coming to your for counseling! Yeah, I just saw a supernova who is dealing with burnout. Later, I'll see Pluto about his inferiority complex and a black hole who wants to fill a void in its life. Then Hailey's Comet and his wife will discuss why he's rarely there for her. Since your practice went universal it just keeps expanding! You're so busy! Yeah, my head is spinning!

'Oh wise one - what is the secret to long life?'

Just think of meditation as "mental floss." (Published previously on 3/17/2006.)