Gospel Guru Gifts

"No, a question period will not follow!"

Jesus the original paddleboarder.

'Today's sermon is on the Gospel according to old Saint Matt....'

'Today's sermon is on the Gospel according to old Saint Matt....'

'Talking about Jesus is NOT name-dropping!'

Walking on Water

'But what is the universe for?'

'He was just saying that all things come to him who waits and, sure enough, along came a lightning bolt.'

'Complete sentences?? Jeez, how verbose can you get?'

"Well, the alternative would be to use your social media accounts to promote toothlessness."

"Feel my claw of death!"

"Lighten up! Your charts aren't that bad."

Trying to describe the size of the Big Bang.

A not-so-happy God, with the Humans, sticking an Eviction Notice to the Earth

Sculptor's chippings

'Astronomy I, Astronomy II, Astronomy III'

"I'll match donations when you match my tax payments."

'And so thanks to my dad's waistline I now understand the theory of our constantly expanding universe!'

Dad Planet: 'Hey you KIDS! I thought i said no ORBITING in the house!'

'Father, meet Sister Kate, she shimmies like a jelly upon a jelly plate.'

'I could have sworn I put those moon rocks in my pocket...'

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

'I want you stop referring to our grant as 'The Big Dipper.''

'It helps with reception.'

You have a lot of patients coming to your for counseling! Yeah, I just saw a supernova who is dealing with burnout. Later, I'll see Pluto about his inferiority complex and a black hole who wants to fill a void in its life. Then Hailey's Comet and his wife will discuss why he's rarely there for her. Since your practice went universal it just keeps expanding! You're so busy! Yeah, my head is spinning!

Cleaning the Horse

"Hey, universe! I'm significant and I'm in charge!"

"Anything you say, Mr. Einstein, can be used to explain the origin of the universe."

"Are you sure they'll be able to read English?"

Expanding Sun engulfs Planets

Honey badger do care.

"I'm gonna make him an offer he could refuse but won't because he's afraid of conflict."

'Technically, you can't really consider these 'alien visitations'. No offence but this planet is the only dumping station in this corner of the galaxy...'

Ballerina and the light switch.

Valentine for Guru.