Golden Years Guru Pillows

Bad times for retirees.

"When I came to the crossroads of my life, I found I was out of gas!"

70 is the new 40

"There's more to being a pensions adviser than just handling the figures..."

"You know you're old when you have to warm up just to take out the garbage."

'You're very remote tonight.'

"I look forward to growing dead with you."

"His hip isn't getting any better. I really should have him put to sleep."

Albert & Myra - The End Story

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

'Hey! What's the big idea!?!'

"It appears that you'll definitely outlive your usefulness."

"As it's your birthday, would you like to go in the Big Chair?"

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, go to hell."

Sculptor's chippings

Older lady to husband surrounded by dogs: 'Still getting feedback from your hearing aid?'

"Date of birth?" "1989." "In 1989 I couldn't make ice... still can't." "Good lord, she could be my daughter! I'm so #!@* old." "That's the year my wife left me. Now I have a cold and I'm depressed!"

"You idiot! I said, 'Buy more gold', not mold!!"

"Someday when you have children of your own, you’ll understand why I dress you like ‘an idiot.’"

"I'm so old I can't remember who's the smart one and who's the pretty one."

"Well, old girl, this is the third act. What, if anything, do we have up our sleeve?"

'Admit it, George-you're too old to chase after does.'

Life begins at 60

"It's the Silicon Valley foundation - they want to know if we'll match our grandson's $100 million donation."

"I'm gonna make him an offer he could refuse but won't because he's afraid of conflict."

"Dad, how does the outdoors work without batteries?"

Pension Forecasts

"Dear, I'm at that age where things are finally starting to click for me!"

"I think I'll be more relaxed once my secondary sex characteristics kick in."

"I told you they'd chuck us off the bus with those smelly egg butties."

"Agnes is so crushing on him."

'The sixties? Well, you don't sleep as well, can't read anything closer than three feet away and your short-term memory's shot.'

"To assume Leonard has a bucket list, you have to first assume he actually wants to do anything."

"Same weight as you were in high school, great....now put the other foot on the scale too!"

"Does it say what we use for money?"