Family Loss Gifts

Maternity/Eternity

"As a friend, I pray you rest in peace. As a dog, I really want to dig you up."

Very Difficult Conversations

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

'He was a great writer'

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

"I honored her every request except for the last one: 'Harold, please stop making a scene'."

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

"I know. I miss him, too."

Setting out the bedding plants was one of his few remaining pleasures,

"We laughed. We cried. But mostly we watched TV."

'Your uncle donated his brain to Harvard and, unfortunately, they used it to figure out a way to get the rest of his money.'

"I've already made arrangements to be flushed down the toilet."

Holiday-Cancelling Headphones

'Would you like the ECG tracing of your father's death? It's the least we can do.'

'I wish these wings were for more than show.'

'Harry! - If you can hear me - what did you do with the remote!?'

Postcards from Heaven...

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

John Ixon: Ran Out of Survival Tips.

"So, Gilbert was your friend who fought in Vietnam?"

'Grief counselling'

Broken Heart

"We got him onto an exercise bike, but I'm afraid it was too late."

"What? Too soon?"

"You'll be able to talk to your husband. I have video conferencing."

"Sorry, wrong room."

Warring parents

"I'm afraid Larry sleeps with more than just the fishes."

Here lies BoBo the Clown

"And now, let us view sitcom star Donnie J. Kroft's reading of his will, which was videotaped before a live studio audience."

"The family has spent all week crafting a beautiful service of words and pictures - far too sentimental to be of practical use."