Family Breakdown Gifts

"Your father loves me very much, in his own way, and I love your father very much, in my own way, and that's why we're getting a divorce."

"Mr. Smith, do you want custody of your children or not?"

'Are the children with you of their mother?'

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

The Family Joules: Part 16

Relationship Warning Lights

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

"My mom says I can start a rock band if I call it 'I Love My Mommy'. You in?"

'Everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other.'

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

"You never told me your dad was so delightfully old-fashioned."

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

Children's Party

'It's time to move out when Mom says...'

"I'll go to my room and do my homework, but I want time and a half."

'What did I learn in school today? You'd better sit down.'

"Get up at 7; leave for school by 8; no video games until after homework is done -- how about some regulatory relief?"

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

"If we play house, Timmy, we can't live with my parents because..."

"Raymond's prospects look good, Daddy. . . He's pretty sure he's picked all six lotto numbers!"

"This is not what I meant when I said you needed to practice your play fighting..."

"I couldn't possibly lick another baby right now."

Ask Sadie Advice Hour. What's your problem?! I don't want to vaccinate my kids. But my husband does. What do I do? Excellent question. It reminds me of the time Mother Cohen and Father Cohen were arguing about vaccinating us kids. Father Cohen accused her of being a pawn of the Illuminati's attempt to use diphtheria to mutate us into ape-people. Mother Cohen accused him of being anti-Darwinian. That's when Father Cohen brought up her illicit fling with Chuck Darwin, and all heck broke loose. Um

"We located the hissing noise, Mr. Watkins. Your wife's mother is in the back seat."

'It says here: while most dogs are family dogs, some dogs like one family member more. Do you think Fritzi is like that?'

"If you think the first half of this psychological test is intrusive, wait until you're grilled by me mother."

'You're texting? Wait--'

"Nicole’s parents celebrated her curious mind, even in those moments when it really depressed them."

"What do I think is an appropriate punishment? I think an appropriate punishment would be to make me live with my guilt."

'A boy at school was named after his father. They've called him Dad.'