Marital Breakdown Gifts

'Is your marriage okay?' - 'I wouldn't know. We're not talking.'

'If you must know, I'm looking for a loophole...!'

'It looks as if they want an out of court settlement.'

'I just don't understand... We hate the same movies, books, art, music, friends and relatives, and we agree that the world's a hopeless mess. With all that in common, why is our marriage falling apart?'

'We were made for each other - it was loathe at first sight.'

'He left me five minutes after he got his new National Health glasses.'

'Stay, Rusty!'

'To be fair, I didn't say I was good, I said I was expensive.'

"He eats whatever he wants and never gains weight? Well, that's grounds for divorce right there!"

"There goes my ex-husband and his Mid-Life crisis!"

Punch Card: 'The next divorce is on me.'

'You are morally bankrupt. However, I'm offering a bailout package which permits sloth, envy and limited gluttony.'

'You've got Mr & Mrs Smith at 2.00, Mr & Mrs Jones at 2.30, and at 3.00 your wife has made an appointment with a Divorce Lawyer!'

"See what I mean? I told you he was obnoxious!"

"I'm going south to mothers. And I'm taking the children."

"What makes you think I'm going back to mother? It's worse there!"

Diplomacy

"The law says his wife gets half of everything he owns."

"I spend so long in the gym getting into this shape that my wife ran off with seven stone weakling..."

"You'll miss me when I'm gone. I'm taking the remote."

"Your wife gets the kids. . . and you get custody of the mortgage."

'I'm leaving you Gordon, and I'm taking all the user names and passwords with me.'

'I never could have gotten through my divorce without you. Maybe we should have stayed married.'

Husband and wife go their separate ways after a car crash.

Single Mansions

"I got the house in the settlement and, as you requested, custody of your mother is assigned to your ex."

"I tried saying it with flowers, but my attorney said it with cash."

"Give it all you got is the motto of my wife's divorce attorney."

'I must be getting hard up...I just made a date with my ex-husband!'

"I've been depressed lately...my husband threatened to leave me....and even that didn't cheer me up."

"Your solicitor and my solicitor have got together, and agreed that you can still do my laundry."

"Clothes on the lawn. Is that easier to interpret than an email?"

"Your wife said 'Shoot the clown of all I care.' But I'm sure can negotiate there."

"He ALWAYS had to have the last word. . . I was THIS close to getting him to sign the divorce papers."

"So in the final settlement she got the house, the car, the kids, alimony, all bank accounts and my retirement."