Marital Breakup Gifts

'It's a surprise for my husband, he isn't going.'

"My Ex met his new squeeze at a wedding. . .It was our wedding!"

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"She loves you... yeah... yeah... yeah..."

"I can't believe he brought her."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

The prying mantis,

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

'I don't like Gerald as a person, but I like him as a concept.'

"We broke up. I wanted a proprietary platform - she wanted open source."

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

'Don't blame me -- You're the one who had to have more personal space!'

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"The next dance will be ladies' choice."

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

Blues artis's daily list

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

'We have irreconcilable differences -- he's a MAN!'

'Your switching to Scotch? And after I've given you the best beers of my life!'

"Are you growing that mustache to make me break up with you?"

"It could never work between us."