Marital Separation Gifts

"I don't know what I'd do without you...but I'm willing to find out."

She left and took everything - leaving the house far more echo-friendly.

'Let's try separate beds - yours in Hampstead and mine in Kensington.'

'Now comes the hard part. . . who gets which facebook friends. . .'

Divorce settlement

Separate Flights

'My wife and I used to have something wonderful between us. Then we spent it all.'

'Good news, Ed. We no longer have to stay together for the sake of the children.'

'Alimony is like having to pay instalments on a car after you have written it off!'

"Yep, paid through the nose."

'She threw me out.'

"I think it's time I left Mr. Right!"

"If I had my time again I wouldn't change a thing......except maybe you."

Chez Elle Formerly Chez Nous

"It's your ex-wife's new boyfriend - he says your maintenance payment is late agian, and he wants to discuss his picket money."

"I thought you were just going to the bathroom?"

"So Mr. Claus, there is a Virginia!"

'Computer dating? I want my money back. You fixed me up with my first wife.'

"But, Marge, five hundred channels. Won't that make a difference?"

'Nobody walks out on me - use my bike.'

'Whatever happened to for richer for poorer?'

'You say that you're leaving me. I've packed your suitcase. On your marks...'

'Hey, buddy. . . do you mind if I crash with you for a bit? She kicked me out of the house.'

"By the way...there's a 'kiss my ass' casserole on the counter!"

A man in an armchair is being carried away by rubbish removers, as his wife waves him off.

"It was a typical 'His lawyer said/Her lawyer said' situation."

Red Letter Days - Divorce suit

Parson and abandoned husband

"My wife and I are divorced, we've both been living with our cell phones for years anyway."

"Hey! When did you un-husband me?!"

"To really get to know someone, you've got to divorce them."

"Admit it! You'd put me in a Winnebago if you could."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."