Marriage Break-up Gifts

"My wife got the sails in the divorce."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

"I'm voting for Stephen because I cannot stand Katie's mother, she is so catty! Anyway-- how're your parents doing with the divorce?"

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

Very Difficult Conversations

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"We'll always have couples therapy."

The prying mantis,

"I can't believe he brought her."

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

"She loves you... yeah... yeah... yeah..."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

When Love In The Laboratory Turns Sour.

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"My wife left me. Then my hard drive died."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'