Marriage Break-up Gifts

"My wife got the sails in the divorce."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"I'm voting for Stephen because I cannot stand Katie's mother, she is so catty! Anyway-- how're your parents doing with the divorce?"

"We'll always have couples therapy."

Very Difficult Conversations

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

The prying mantis,

"She loves you... yeah... yeah... yeah..."

"I can't believe he brought her."

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'