Loss Of A Parent Gifts

"Although the estate will be distributed equally, your father wanted you all to know that Keith was his favorite, followed by..."

"Your mother wanted you to have this for good luck. It's her foot."

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

'It would have been easier to prove your father was of sound mind when he wrote this will if he hadn't written it on the headed notepaper of the psychiatric hospital in which he'd been sectioned.'

"As per your father's wishes, the reading of the will shall be preceded by a tight five-minute comedy set inspired by my dating life -- or lack thereof!"

"Kids, the only reason I never talk about your mother is because I care about your feelings. Losing Rosa in that car wreck was awful...I wanted to protect you from those painful memories."

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

Grave stone in text-message speak: 'U woz r dad now u r ded :-(' "I'm amazed it got past the vicar."

'Ask yourself, how will taking the afternoon off for your mother's funeral look to Mr. Beegley?'

'We've been invited to a black tie do - your mother has died, dear.'

'As you know, your father liked the sport of Boxing...'

"It's gonna be tough trying to fill your pa's boots, Jake."

"Sergio, Baldo and Gracie were devastated after Rosa died. It's hard when children lose their mother."

"He was a very good boy."

'He was a great writer'

'In memory of our beloved Skippy.'

Halo Frisbee.

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

"This is just SO like him. For years, I begged him to straighten up and fly right, and when he finally DID, it was right into a picture window!"

"I always spend New Year's surrounded by loved ones."

Blues artis's daily list

Setting out the bedding plants was one of his few remaining pleasures,

"Only one of my lives was a bowl of cherries."

"We laughed. We cried. But mostly we watched TV."

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

"I know you've been together a long time, but I'm sorry... Your microbiome can't follow you in."

'Your uncle donated his brain to Harvard and, unfortunately, they used it to figure out a way to get the rest of his money.'

"I know, boy—I miss the smoked salmon at Zabar's, too."

Postcards from Heaven...

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

"I'm afraid Dad did not leave us anything of value in his will, but his last wish is for us to continue the feud with the neighbour's cat...

'Would you like the ECG tracing of your father's death? It's the least we can do.'

'Se Non E Vero' Etc.